Happy #nationalcomingoutday to all members of the LGBTQIA+ community, whether you’re publicly out, have only told a few trusted people, or haven’t told anyone at all. Your journey is unique and valid, take all the time you need!
I’m pansexual and proud but it took me a while to get here. I first knew I liked both boys and girls when I was about 7 or 8. I cried to my mom a few times because I was “afraid I’m a lesbian”. She told me I was just comparing my body to other bodies, totally normal. I buried those feelings inside all through middle school and high school, but every now and then it would hit me like a giant wave.
I was friends with gay, bi, non-binary, and gender fluid kids at my arts high school. I accepted them for exactly as they were but never myself. I didn’t tell anyone I thought I was bisexual until I was 19. By the time I was in my early 20’s I had told a handful of friends but didn’t speak about it freely and hadn’t told my family. I started seeing a new therapist and asked her for advice on coming out to my family. She told me I shouldn’t. She said that it could potentially upset them or change they way they think of me, and unless I was dating a girl, what’s the point? I was totally shocked and hurt. I told her that I felt like that was bad advice, that people should be able to be their honest selves with there closest loved ones. She replied “if telling the truth makes you feel better but hurts the other person, then it’s selfish and you should keep it to yourself.”. For the record, to anyone reading this, she’s wrong!
I told a few family members when I was 24 and they reacted poorly but not in a dangerous or irreparable way. Just the classic “if your not with a girl then your not no though right? If you’ve never dated a girl how do you even know?”. So frustrating! When you know you know! By that logic, how does a virgin know they’re straight? We seems perfectly comfortable assuming small children are straight, calling them “lady killer” and “flirt” before they even go to kindergarten! I struggled then and still sometimes now believing that my sexuality is, in fact, valid no matter my dating or sexual histories.
After I came out to those select family members and had to witness their initial reactions on their faces and answer frustrating and offensive questions they could’ve easily googled, I didn’t feel comfortable coming out in private settings or to individual people. I thought that’s how coming out had to be. In movies and TV, coming out is always face to face and dramatic, either positively or negatively. It doesn’t have to be that way! Here’s the thing: this is your personal business and you don’t OWE anyone an explanation. So if posting it on social media is easier for you, do it! If texting is easier, do it! If you do prefer to be one on one face to face, great! If you want to come out to someone in person but you’re nervous, invite a trusted friend who you’ve already come out to to join you. This is your truth and you make the rules. I declared my pansexuality on Facebook and never looked back! I’m sure there were a few people who thought “why didn’t she tell me?” But I had to do what was most comfortable for me.
A close loved one asked me “why come out if you’re married to a man? What’s the point?”. Great question! Representation matters. Visibility matters. Normalizing being out and proud matters. Every person I know in my personal and professional life is influenced by me in some small way and vice versa. For instance, I don’t know of any queer people in my family and if I had, I would have felt infinitely more secure and safe growing up and coming out. I came out because I don’t want to deny any family member or friend that sense of security I so desperately needed. Also, there’s something to be said for living in your truth. You feel lighter and stronger at the same time. It’s liberating! For resources and support I recommend The Trevor Project , It Gets Better , and Human Rights Campaign.
Sexuality is a spectrum and labels aren’t the most important thing in the world by far. But being your true authentic self is what national coming out day is all about! As we all head to the polls this November, please consider your queer loved ones. Vote blue to keep them safe and free to be themselves. Get voting information here.
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